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The greater the number of foreign trips for The Boss, the more successful India’s foreign policy.
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The other day I was at a party hosted by a diplomat of a European country when I again ended up in a situation I have come to dread: explaining India’s foreign policy to foreigners.
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I was cornered by exchange students from this country who were convinced I had pearls of wisdom stashed away somewhere. While it is true that my boundless knowledge and incandescent scholarship cannot but help cast its brilliant light upon the murky realms of India’s foreign policy, besides sundry other fields, my extreme modesty prevents me from holding forth publicly on these matters.
Nonetheless, in the greater public interest, and for the benefit of all UPSC aspirants (especially those keen on the IFS), I am sharing the seven pillars of India’s foreign policy, as it is currently practised.
1. Foreign trips for The Boss
This is the #1 goal of India’s foreign policy and is the metric on which every official in the foreign ministry is evaluated during the annual appraisal: how many foreign trips have you organised for The Boss, and what is the cumulative number of days His Highness has spent on foreign soil as a result of your contributions? The greater the numbers, the more successful India’s foreign policy, and faster your growth in the IFS.
2. Hugs
Every time The Boss hugs a powerful world leader, every Indian chest puffs up in pride — if it doesn’t, please get yourself tested at the nearest NIA branch for any anti-national sentiments lurking in your heart. The Hug is a major strategy that has been helping India toward one of its longest-standing foreign policy goals: a permanent seat at the UN Security Council. Also, as Chanakya, the great strategic thinker of ancient India, said, “The fragrance of flowers spreads in the direction of the wind. But the fragrance of your deodorant spreads through the people you hug.”
3. Contracts for cronies
No foreign trip is complete without a multi-billion dollar contract or two for India’s most patriotic crony capitalists who are working day and night to make India the country with the greatest number of richest billionaires. If a foreign country is dependent on an Indian crony capitalist for developing a coal mine, running a port, or supply of electricity, imagine how much influence India would exercise over that country.
This column is a satirical take on life and society.
4. Pakistan is the enemy
It’s all very well to talk about world peace, etc., but the lynchpin of India’s foreign policy is to have a sustainable enemy to feed domestic audiences and that enemy is Pakistan. While we could traditionally count on Pakistan to do the needful to keep this enmity strong, that may not always happen, which means India has to work that much harder to keep the fires of hostility burning, and in this respect too, our foreign policy has been a glorious success, with chances of normal relations with Pakistan looking as likely as the chances of Indian wrestlers being feted by the government for standing up to officialdom.
5. Diaspora jamborees
A key principle of new India’s foreign policy is ‘vasudhaiva kutumbakam’, which basically means devotees of The Boss in every First World country are one family. Therefore, it is a must to organise a spectacular event featuring The Boss in a foreign country in a big stadium where 100,000 NRIs can come together and feel proud of the country that they permanently abandoned in favour of a green card and greener pastures.
6. The quad
In my experience, people who have heard of the quad have no idea what it is or what it means. The quad (short for quadriceps) is a group of muscles at the front of your thigh. They are the largest and most powerful muscle group in your body, consisting of the rectus femoris, vastus lateralis, vastus medialis and vastus intermedius. Unless the quad is functioning properly, you won’t be able to walk, bend or crawl before a powerful neighbour who grabs chunks of your territory. Not surprisingly, this is a core element of India’s China policy.
7. G20
Never in the past 10,000 years has India had the honour of hosting a G20 summit. Now, thanks to Amrit Kaal, leaders of every country unanimously selected India to host the G20 Summit because we are simply the best and most prestigious country in the world. By hosting G20, the government of India will solve India’s age-old problems of poverty, unemployment, communal hatred, environmental degradation, rising inequality and rising stupidity — all in one go.
The author of this satire, is Social Affairs Editor, The Hindu.
sampath.g@thehindu.co.in
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